Insert Witty Title Here
by ThePhantomRoarer
Summary: Goody bags filled with puppy chow? BLT's with no bacon? The death eaters have been disbanded? Voldy must have rediscovered love!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters I just like writing about them!

Chapitre Un

"It's been so long!" Voldemort sighed. He grinned to himself. It was the small things like sighing that he had missed more than anything else during his time…_away_. He sighed again, but this time just to feel his warm, moist breath leave his body into the surrounding air. Then he waved his arms—_real arms!_— about his spacious room, giggled, jumped up and down, squeezed his teddy Mr. Fluffykinkins so hard its head popped off, and flopped down onto his racecar (did you know that racecar backwards is still racecar? Voldemort giggled (again) in delight at the thought) bed. It was so super fantabulous uber-licious special good to exist again!

He attempted to sigh again, but unfortunately he could no longer complete the action without bursting out in laughter. "Stop laughing," The Great Lord Voldemort told himself sternly, "you need to sigh in order to fully show the extent of your angst!" He sighed when he realized that his body probably wouldn't obey his command, and then laughed when he realized it just did.

"Now, what is on our to-do list today?" Voldemort picked up his Hello Kitty diary and flipped to today's page. "Ah yes, I must disband all of my death eaters and apologize to Harry Potter." He imagined his followers' faces as he told them his news, and couldn't help but giggle. "They will be so shocked," he thought with a smirk, "Well, it serves them right for being such evil bastards. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't fallen in love with Arabella Figg, who convinced me to turn to the side of special goodness —" Voldemort gasped, and his mouth twisted into a sexy pout at the thought, "Oh no! I might STILL be an evil bastard!"

He stretched, threw on his dragon-leather cape, and walked purposefully out the door. He ignored Wormtail (who had been waiting anxiously outside Voldemort's chamber door to see his master's sweet face), and summoned his followers—after he covered up his leftover breakfast of Wizard Charms cereal, of course. Oh yeah, and magicked a table full of cute and evil goody bags into the room.

Before I continue with our exciting plot, allow me to digress and explain what exactly is in those amazing goody bags. In each bag, there were several ink pens with big pink fluffy feathery thingies on top. There were miniature bottles of nail polish as well as personal little manicure sets. There were also little tiny Hello Kitty Notepads to write down their deepest darkest secrets and their nail appointments. There were also little mirrors they could carry around in purses and mini bottles of lotion with extra tight seals on the caps (to avoid messies in pursies). Oh yeah, and big bags of puppy chow. (NOT dog food. Puppy chow is this great invention some of us piggish Americans enjoy eating. It is basically Chex cereal (or some off brand variant) covered in a mixture of melted chocolate and melted peanut butter, and then covered in powdered sugar. Hell, I'll be nice and just give you the recipe:

**Ingredients:**

1 teaspoon vanilla  
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar  
1/2 cup peanut butter  
1 package (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (1 cup)  
1/4 cup margarine or butter  
9 cups Chex® cereal (any variety)

**Directions:**

Measure cereal into large bowl; set aside. Microwave chocolate chips, peanut butter and margarine in 1-quart microwavable bowl, uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour chocolate mixture over cereal in bowl, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into large plastic food-storage bag; add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator. 9 cups snack.

**Do not use spread or tub products.**

**Important:** Because microwaves cook differently, time is approximate.

**Range Top Directions:** Measure cereal into large bowl; set aside. Heat chocolate chips, peanut butter and margarine in 1-quart saucepan over low heat, stirring frequently, until melted. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla. Continue as directed above.)

As The Great Voldy-ness watched and waited for each death eater to appear around him, he let his mind wander. At first he thought about how ugly his followers (_so that's why they didn't get REAL lives! They were too embarrassed about their looks! The hoods WERE an improvement_) were, but eventually his thoughts wandered to their favorite subject—his sweet Arabella. They had started out as owlpals, and their relationship had taken off swiftly. He remembered her face when they finally met in person. She was so frightened, devastated, and shocked when she discovered his true identity. By then he had been so in love with her, it broke what was left of his heart to see her disappointed in him and immediately changed his ways. He knew she was in love with him too when she finally truly smiled at him. That smile swept up the pieces of his heart and glued them back together. He saw that smile often now. Voldemort loved everything about that woman—especially her sense of humor. He grinned and had to suppress a giggle as he remembered his joy in the discovery that she too had an incredibly dirty gutter-y mind, and remembered all of the dirty jokes they had shared. _Meanwhile, as the death eaters examined their master, they just assumed he was happily remembering some murder or act of torture that he found extra special joy in._

A sudden wheezing cough brought him back to the present. "Stupid Draco's Daddy, bad fake cougher," Voldemort thought, "Hopefully, this won't take too long." "My loyal followers…Just called you to let you know that I'm not evil anymore so you will all need to find new jobs and I'm sorry it's such short notice but I have rediscovered love and advise you to do the same and, uhhh, grab a goody bag on your way out." At the closing of his brief speech, several of the death eaters sighed, grumbled a few incoherent words and disapparated (after grabbing Voldy's goody bags, of course!). Some walked over to the table to the goody bag table and small talked, mostly about the lack of job security, and left as well. But that still left the few who were not satisfied with this sudden turn of events.

"Great and Uber-Awesome lord Voldemort, surely you must be joking!" cried that shady Draco's daddy character.

"THE GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT NEVER 'JOKES'! NOW YOU SHALL PAY YOU IGNORANT FOOL!" Draco's daddy's face paled "AVADA—hee hee GOTCHA! But I _was _quite sirius about y'all leaving now."

"Who can argue with that? Let's go guys." They took a few minutes to choose the prettiest goody bags, and disapparated with a loud pop. Wormtail was the only one left. He was alone with Voldemort. And what was Wormtail thinking? Let's find out.

_What's this? How could he do this to me? I trusted him. I am a strong and charismatic guy…maybe I could just call up all them and be their new leader...No, as long as HE is alive that will never work…Maybe I could just sort of sneak up on him and use the Avada Kedavra on him…Yes, that is what I will do!_

He might have gotten away with it too. Unfortunately, just as he worked up enough courage to commit this final act of betrayal, Voldemort (poking a button he hadn't known about with the tip of his wand) accidentally caused a large and heavy chandelier to collapse onto Wormtail's body. Yup, a chandelier squished him flat. Talk about bad karma, eh?

The Dark and Most Powerful Former Lord glanced back at what used to be his most loyal minion. "Enh…his attitude was dragging both our ratings down anyways," he said to no one.


	2. Chapitre 2

Disclaimer: Okay guys, if I were J.K. Rowling, why in the hell would I be writing FANfic?

A/N Sorry this chapter is so short…I have bigger ones coming, well, that's a lie…but I have a ton of ideas so I'll try to get as many smaller chapters as I can out as quickly as I can…That didn't make any sense…ah well ON WITH THE SHOW!

Voldemort stared down at his victim. "YOU WILL PERISH!" he screamed as the poor thing cowered, unable to so much as attempt to beg for life, "NOW DIE, YOU PIG!" Voldemort shot a powerful dark shimmering magical death beam onto his victim and grinned as it started writhing and squealing on the floor of Voldemort's kitchen. The Dark Lord began to frown when it stopped moving. The charred body at his feet didn't satisfy him and he couldn't figure out why. He nudged it with the pointy toe of his shiny black boot and grimaced when the skin cracked open and a clear pus-like fluid poured out.

"FRANKYYYYYYY! It didn't give me what I wanted!" Voldemort whined. The pale ghost butler appeared and groaned when he saw the mess at Voldy's feet.

"Did you expect the beast to just cut open its own stomach for you, master?" Francis asked.

"EEEEWWWW! That stuff comes from_ inside_ its _tummy_! Never mind I don't _want _bacon anymore!"

-+-

"Voila! Here is one homemade lunch for my sweet and sexy Arabella."

"Sweetheart, it looks scrumptious! Ohhhh! BLT's…without…bacon."

"Yes my dear…I like to call them LT's. They really are much better you know. I like them with lots of mayonnaise…Yes, lots and um lots of mayonnaise."

"Well, dear, they are lovely."

"Thank you, love, but they are not nearly as lovely as you."

This darling little conversation was followed by some heavy, heated, passionate kissing, and well, use your imagination for what followed this kissing.

-+-

"So you are going to apologize to Harrykins today?" Arabella asked.

"Yupperoos! Once I finish folding my boxers (the ones with the former Dark Mark, but now the Wonderful Happy Mark Goodness) and spraying them with Febreeze, we are going to take a trip to good old Hogwarts. Harry, his buddies, and I'll have a nice long talk full of tears, hope for the future, a little bit of angst, smileses, laughterses, and many hugses…my preeecious. And after that we'll go to the Ministry dudes and eat bugs—I mean explain how I'm now good and all." Voldemort replied.

"Oh goody!"

"I know! I can hardly survive the wait….only three more pairs of boxers to go!"

Time quickly passed, and Voldy and Arabella sat there admiring Voldy's work.

Voldemort broke the silence with, "Y'know…I _really_ like this Febreeze stuff you gave me, ma chére. It smells sooooo much better than the stuff that comes out of my wand when I use the freshsmellingpantiesiosa charm…heh." Voldemort paused, brought the spray bottle up to his nose, and while spraying it upwards into his nostrils, breathed in strongly. "Ahhhhhh," he sighed, "Hee. Hee hee. Green is…is…is…PRETTY!" He burst out laughing at his joke.

Arabella Figg slowly shook her head, "Um. Um. Voldykins…maybe we should save your apologies for another day."

"NONSENSE! I WILL BE LEAVING IMMEDIATELY OR MY NAME ISN'T THE GREAT ARGUS GRANGERYPOTTWEAS…THING!" After screaming this at the top of his formerly evil lungs, he collapsed onto his neat, febreezy boxers and slept.

A/N for all of you unimaginative people who still can't figure out what they did after their passionate kissing……DUH! They watched the Quidditch World Cup on ESPN!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapitre 3

The Great and Sober Formerly-Evil Lord Voldemort popped into the room with a bang. He turned his head to the balding man sitting in a squishy armchair, the type that you always see shrinks sitting in on TV. Not that Voldemort would know that.

The man was around fifty with gaudy green glasses that Voldy found strangely mesmerizing. "Good day, Mr. ...hmm, let's see...ah yes, my three o'clock appointment. 'Voldemort, The Lord.' If you would take a seat, we can get started with your first session of therapy."

"Therapy? Arabella told me this would be a bingo club! Sh-she _lied_ to me!"

"And how does that make you feel?"

"C-confused," Voldy said, his eyes overfilling with tears, "Oh, angsty me!"

"Mmm."

"But I suppose," he sobbed once, then dried his eyes, "Arabella must have decided that this would be for my benefit. S-so if my Arabelly thinks I should do it, then I will go through with this..._therapy_." Voldemort gave the psychiatrist, who's name was Mr. Bingo, a watery smile, expecting praise for his brilliant decision.

"Mmm."

"Why do you say the same things over and over again?"

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like bloody rippin' my brain out!"

"Mmm."

"Argh!"

This conversation rambled on for a few minutes until finally Mr. Bingo stood up and said, "I think you are very nearly a lost cause. However, I am going to take you to Room 101 where you shall defeat the beast I am sure still lurks inside you. When you have completed that session, then you shall be cured."

"All right, let's go!" Volders exclaimed, and shot his fist into the air.

Mr. Bingo led our favorite Dark Lord down a white hallway to a room with a faded 101 scratched into it. A hyperventilating woman walked out when Mr. Bingo knocked on the door. Voldemort's palms got sweaty with anticipation.

They entered room. Voldemort glanced around the strange room. He was a little confused about the various items. Arabella had told him a little about "Computers" already, so that explained the cream colored deformed box that was glowing out one end. But what was in that strange bowl on the pedestal? Voldy examined the water inside with his angsty-face on.

He slowly and cautiously made his way over to the strange octagonal table in the corner of the room. The objects that felled the second bowl were covered in shadow. Just a step closer should solve—

"MARSHMALLOWS!"

"Yes, yes, Mr. Voldemort," said Mr. Bingo. Voldemort jumped. "And how do they make you feel?"

"Mmmfrshm burmimshhmm!"

"Ah yes…Well, what we shall do is take the marshmallows…well, the marshmallows you've left anyway, and dip them into the water. Then you stick them on your face like this." Mr. Bingo stuck a wet marshmallow onto his own nose. Voldemort giggled.

After Voldemort was covered in a gooey marshmallow mess, Mr. Bingo had him sit down at the computer.

"Mr. Voldemort. Are you prepared?" Mr. Bingo asked in a low, husky voice.

"Uh-huh," Volderkins breathed.

"Then I will now introduce you to the world of fanfiction."

Voldemort's jaw dropped. "What's fanfiction?"

"Fanfiction is fiction written by people who enjoy a film, novel, television show or other media work, using the characters and situations developed in it and developing new plots in which to use these characters. Characters and props from more than one media work may also be incorporated into a single fanfiction (known as crossovers)."

"So basically, it's a bunch of crazy obsessive worshippers of a random "film, novel, television show or other media work", ripping off the author's work?"  
"BLASPHEMY! It is the FINEST art form of our age!"

"Your mom is the finest art form of our age."

"I choose to ignore that statement and leap into my explanation of what you shall be doing. You shall go onto the website Fanficland.gov and click on the "Books" category. Explore the website. Learn as much as you can. I will be back in 24 hours."

"One DAY?" Voldy gasped in disbelief.

"I know! It's, like, hardly any time at all!" Then Mr. Bingo left the room.

Voldemort looked unhappily at the glowy screen. There was a huge list of various titles. From classics, to fantasy, to romance…it went on and on. One name caught his eye. "Harry Potter?" He clicked on it. A new screen popped up on it. "Harry Potter and the Attack of the Mary Sues" "The Vampire and Hermione" "When Everything's Made to be Broken" All sorts of titles.

Voldemort studied one called "When He Comes" by Jewelwhisperer. "'Ever wonder why Draco Malfoy "puts up" with Pansy Parkinson?'" Voldemort read, "Why, yes, I have. She's not that pretty, and she's rather flat in the chest. That shady Draco's daddy character's son has always intrigued me. I think I shall read this."

It was only one chapter, much to Voldemort's disappointment. He wiped away a tear when he finished reading it. "That was BEAUTIFUL!" He cried to the glowy box. And thus our Dark Lord was sucked in.

24 hours later

Voldemort shot to his feet when he heard a sudden knock on the door. "C-come in." His voice cracked from lack of sleep and hours of laughter, tears, and horrified screams.

Mr. Bingo entered the room. "Hello, The Lord."

"OMG! I have been through so much! I discovered that my favorite ship is SSHG, although HGLV is a close second. I prefer Romance/Humor to pure Romance, although straight up Humor is great after a good cry over a particularly well-done Angst."

"Well, I see you've been cured."

"Yes, yes I have. I must get back to my dearest immediately. Then, we shall make plans to see Harry Potter and his crew to apologize. I can't wait any longer."

TO BE CONTINUED (Hopefully sooner than last time. Sorry!)


End file.
